Adder Control
by genericdarklord
Summary: I wrote this at spoonpoint. Please send help.


Adder Control

Prologue

"Don't Blame Me For This"

* * *

Based on some of the messages I've received, it seems people didn't quite get the original warning I put here.

So, here's the new version:

The Adder is a character from Something Familiar, one of my other stories.

If you haven't read it, 70% of this will not make sense.

That is all.

* * *

Oh, fuck! Great slithering Jesus, who the hell put a wall there!?

The Adder shook his head, trying to throw off the weirdly dazed feeling.

What the hell was going on?

Here he was, just minding his own business, when a wall came out of nowhere. Damned inconsiderate thing to do, when all he wanted was to get to the kitchen and bite house elves until they scrounged up one of the manly rats there. It was so much easier than hunting.

The fuck is going on…?

He was pretty sure he hadn't take a wrong turn. Granted, not being a Familiar, he didn't have their instinctive ability to navigate the tunnels. He'd followed this route enough times that he should be able to do it blindfolded.

It was between 2:47 and 11:21 PM on a Tuesday, right?

"H- hello?" a voice called out in the darkness.

Weird. That voice sounded pretty familiar, but just a bit off. He felt like he should recognize it.

Dude, you sound like your balls haven't dropped, pussy, the Adder hissed. Do a brother a favor and turn on a light. I… well, fuck. I don't supposed you speak snake, huh?

"What'd you mean. How does someone speak snake?" the voice asked.

The Adder froze.

What the actual fuck. Okay, what the hell is going on? Turn on a goddamn light!

"S- sorry. You don't have to yell," the voice whimpered.

There was a sharp click, the kind those old lights with a crappy pull chain make. Bright light flooded the cramped area, causing the Adder to jerk back and hiss as it bored into his eyes. He flailed, trying to turn away, but only managed to slam face-first into the same wall again.

Double-dicked snake god! Warn me before you do that! I don't have eyelids, you dipshit!

"You told me to!"

Hey, here's and idea: why don't you whine a little more. Oh wait, I don't think that's possible, the Adder hissed. Keep it up and I'll bite the piss right out of you. That's not even a figure of speech, either. I know where your bladder is.

"..."

This is why I can't stand you people. And I don't mean you specifically, I mean your race in general. Yeah, that's right. A racist remark. You fuckers do it to me enough. It's all "Don't talk to snakes in front of people," "Don't carry snakes around in your pants," and "Don't let your snake stab people in the face with a switchblade." I think I'm entitled to a little bigotry myself, here. You all suck, aside from the…

The Adder trailed off and the spots finally cleared from his vision. His eyes widened, then he blinked a couple of times.

Kid?

"You're… a snake. A talking snake," Harry observed. "A snake that talks."

Yeah, great. You're a regular Sherlock, assuming he grew up eating paint chips, the Adder snapped.

Raising a nonexistent eyebrow, the snake studied Harry.

The hell? Did the rust buckets feed you another anti-aging potion? What've I told you about eating shit they give you? Always slip it to someone else first, just in case!

"A snake is talking to me," Harry whispered again.

Yeah, no shit. Did they slip you a retard potion, too? I don't even know if that's a thing, but I'm assuming is given how you're acting.

"A talking snake…"

We covered that, actually. Christ on a pogo stick, you're acting like you never… talked to a…

The Adder trailed off, examining Harry speculatively. Frowning (which is something Harry didn't know snakes could do), he examined the "room" they were in.

Kid… are we in the closet? Are you seriously sleeping in the closet!?

"Where… where else would I sleep?" Harry asked uncertainly. "I always sleep here."

The Adder froze. His eyes slowly widened, to the point they seemed to take up half his face.

Oh.

[Camera centers on the Adder's head.]

My.

[Camera zooms in.]

God!

[Camera zooms in even more, to the point that the Adder's eye takes up the whole frame.]

Well slap my ass with a rubber chicken and call me Luscious! The Rusty Retard was right! My world view has been shattered! he exclaimed. There was a brief pause, after which he continued, Oh, and apparently I do slither through time. Go figure.

"Uh, Mr. Snake? Could you please tell me what's going on?"

The Adder shook his shock off and turned to examine Harry again.

Kid, how old is your scrawny ass?

"Six… I think."

You think? You don't know how old you are?

"I think I'm six, but I also thought snakes didn't talk," Harry said reasonably. "But that was because I've never seen a talking snake before."

Sure you have. Every snake you've ever seen talks. It's just that most people are too fucking stupid to listen right. Congratulations on being at the top of the genetic cesspit called the human race.

"You're not a very nice snake, are you?"

You're kidding, right? Kid, I'm your new best friend. We're gonna have all kinds of fun together, you and me. You better buy a steel jock strap, 'cuz your balls are about to grow three sizes!

* * *

Author's Note

Yeah, probably not really going to write this. The idea struck me as funny, though. Consider it a one-shot or something..


End file.
